It’s Still Time to Stop Hatred
Fear, Misinformation and Intolerance Breed Hatred and Perpetuate it Over Generations.
As an ally to the 2SLGBTQIA+ community and a mother to a 2SLGBTQIA+ youth, I am drained by these difficult times. I know that love is stronger than hate, and I believe that love always wins, but that doesn’t change the stigma, trauma and danger felt by 2SLBGTQIA+ folks and those who love and support them. It doesn’t change that their mental, social and physical health is undermined daily. It doesn’t change that there are places in the USA where it is unsafe for 2SLGBTQIA+ people to travel. It doesn’t change that 25–40% of homeless youth in Canada are 2SLGBTQIA+. In Canada. Here.
This is a critical time for Canadians to stand as allies with the 2SLGBTQIA+ community — to stand up to fear, misinformation and disinformation, to stand up to intolerance and hatred, and to demonstrate our acceptance of everyone. We should all be valued for that which makes us unique. We should all belong. We should all be safe. Protests staged across our country on September 20 reveal that the work of countering fear and misinformation is not done. If your family is not personally touched by this issue, I urge you to stand in allyship with those of us who are. Our recognition of human rights as a nation is at stake. 2SLGBTQIA+ youth need the protection of an entire community of kindness, inclusivity and love: a shield wall from the intolerance and hatred that festers within ignorant right-wing and religious fringe groups.
In the wake of protests and counter-protests around our country, I am compelled to write about things I hear and see regarding transgender and gender-diverse youth. I hope you choose to read this so you can learn — I certainly knew nothing before our family’s experience. I hope you choose to keep an open heart and consider that our youth need parents’ unconditional love and approval to be exactly who they are. I hope you choose to consider that the teachings of your family or religion are based on hate, not love if you oppose the rights of a minority population. Parents and caregivers should facilitate children in blossoming into their authentic selves and ensure they know they are enough, exactly as they are.
I write this as an ally to the 2SLGBTQIA+ community — I do not and can not speak for 2SLGBTQIA+ people. I view their experience with love and support but from the outside. I welcome comments or corrections from members of this community as I continue to learn and grow on my journey.
I. Safety vs. Danger
The rhetoric surrounding ‘parental rights’ and ‘youth needs’ in the Canadian school system may seem straightforward — parents should know what their kids are doing, right? Well, yes and no, and it depends on their age, doesn’t it? Do we always know what our youth are doing? Did your parents always know what you were doing as a teenager? Do you know what is the best practice for gender-questioning youth and why this is critically important?
Puberty is a shit show, I’m sure you remember. In adolescence, a space starts to appear between tweens/teens and their parents, and it is normal and healthy. They are becoming who they are, and parents are finding that out. They are starting their journey to individuation and independence.
Puberty is the time when our sexual orientation intensifies, and if you are unsure whether who you are is OK with your parents or caregivers, it is isolating and frightening.
Puberty is the time when our bodies change drastically, and if these changes are incongruent with who you are, it is isolating and frightening — and if you are unsure whether who you are is OK with your parents or caregivers, it is isolating and frightening.
Inclusion and acceptance of 2SLGBTQIA+ people remains poor, including within their families of origin. Sadly, many of these youth are not physically or psychologically safe in their homes if they are their authentic selves (recall my homeless stat above). Outside their home is the only place where they can express their true selves, and where do they spend their time? School.
Teachers and schools are on the front lines of inclusive gender-affirming practice, and I applaud their unconditional love and support. They are saving and have saved lives, and we need them to do this. We need teachers to bolster our youth while we may not even know they need support. This is critical.
A teacher’s choice to respect and use a youth’s pronouns or name or to host a Gay/Straight Alliance (GSA) club affirms who that youth is and gives them a safe space to be themselves. It may be their only safe space. These actions harm no one, but a lack of these actions harms 2SLGBTQIA+ youth.
Perhaps the youth has told their family about pronouns and name changes, perhaps not. Even my own youth was “out” at school before at home: that is the incredible FEAR OF REJECTION FROM A PRIMARY CAREGIVER that motivates these youth to withhold information from their family.
If it hurts us to hear this— that our kid would feel more comfortable at school as their authentic self than at home — then that is our work to do for ourselves and in our communities. That is not the fault of our youth — and the STIGMA against transgender and all 2SLGBTQIA+ people perpetuates the need for this duality. No kid loses sleep because they must tell their parents they don’t like broccoli; they prefer carrots. That’s on us as a society: we created this non-inclusive culture, and our youth are only responding to it as self-preservation would demand.
If you take the time to understand the disparate mental health of 2SLBGTQIA+ youth, the increased self-harm and suicide rates, the augmented rates of homelessness, the barriers to medical care, and the difficulty finding a home or a job, you should conclude that society, including schools, especially schools, needs to step up and support these kids. And these inequities persist throughout the lifespan of 2SLBGTQIA+ people around the world.
It is not hard for teachers and schools to support transgender and 2SLBGTQIA+ youth: a smile, pronouns (yours and theirs!), a name, a neutral washroom, a change in clothing, a single room on a field trip, a GSA, a check-in to say “hi and how are you doing?” or a compliment on their outfit or hair.
Please don’t buy into the rhetoric that a bunch of transgender youth are trying to mess up your child’s sports team or their chances at the Olympics. These kids are sadly preoccupied with survival, not thriving. And that’s on us, as a society, for creating and tolerating a toxic space where fear and resistance prevent growth, change, acceptance and inclusion.
You can not set up “rules” for parental rights about their child’s name and pronouns while adequately supporting and nurturing that child with curiosity and acceptance to ensure their safety: it is one or the other, rules versus acceptance and safety. Sure, it could look different in elementary school versus high school. Still, the over-arching purpose has to be the child or youth’s well-being and safety, not the parent’s desire for control or condemnation. Our actions need to be aligned with the evidence on how to affirm gender-diverse or questioning youth and create safe spaces for them to thrive. Our actions have to prevent the disruption of a youth’s ability to cope which can lead to self-harm and suicide.
I suspect that before puberty many younger kids are raising these topics at home first, not at school. So a parent or caregiver needs to be the friendly face and neutral response. By your gendered use of colours, toys, occupations, behaviours or roles, you create a binary that someone has to fit into and becomes afraid of being outside of. So what if Stewart wants to put on a skirt while playing dress-up at home?… that doesn’t mean he’s transgender or gay; he could just be having fun. It shouldn’t even warrant a conversation on gender at that point (Stewart doesn’t want to discuss it; he’s already got the skirt off and is on to something else). No one wants to make someone transgender; it is about acceptance of the spectrum of gender and your child’s expression of gender. It’s about creating a safe space where kids can be themselves, whoever that is.
The same goes for sexuality and the messages in our homes that our kids absorb: if your language, interests, friends, media and books depict only heterosexuality, then you’re not neutral; you’ve chosen a side, and your youth knows it. Even if your young adult is not 2SLGBTQIA+, your gendered and heteronormative teachings perpetuate the culture we’ve created, which harms 2SLGBTQIA+ people and denies them their human right to safety and self-actualization (that means being the fullest extent of all that you are, doesn’t that sound amazing?).
You can not be neutral on this issue. Lives are at stake. Families are in turmoil. You need to make space in your language and actions for everyone on the spectrum of everything, from sexuality to gender to cognition to ability. It is the work of a lifetime for most of us over the age of 35, as we come from fearful and ignorant backgrounds that encourage conformity.
Are we opening ourselves up to a bunch of 6-year-olds deciding they want to be called Mary, not John? A rash of 9-year-olds declaring they are “they/them,” not she/her? Too many 12-year-old boys assigned male at birth yet wearing pink to school? I don’t know, what does it matter? How does this harm anyone?
Their curiosity to explore gender identity is helping us to shed centuries of inflexible gender rules and norms that were created to organize and control. Society is improving and evolving to include everyone who’s always been here, and we need to rise to the occasion as parents and citizens. This is not a choice made by youth who are swayed by discussions on gender. This is a realization by youth of who they are. Transgender people are a small proportion of our population, but their existence, their needs and their humanity are deserving of respect, safety and the ability to thrive.
If all this makes you uncomfortable, I beg that you look inward and reflect on why. I have grown so much from this simple action, but it takes courage to turn towards discomfort and to see our ignorance or weakness, and then energy to choose to grow and change.
Do you think our children are doing this for “fun” or because of peer pressure — so they can be ostracized, stigmatized, and thrown out of their homes? Do you think instead that maybe sexuality and gender are a spectrum that Western society is uncomfortable considering but that Indigenous communities have long had names and roles for? My journey as a parent was significantly impacted and supported by the writing and work of a Two-Spirit physician from Alberta, Dr. James Makokis and his mother, Ms. Pat Makokis. Diverse genders and sexual orientations are not new. They are only new to the colonizing “us.”
II. Sexual Education vs. Silence
The rhetoric around sexual education and indoctrination in our schools is misinformed, homophobic, transphobic and therefore dangerous. No one is trying to make anyone’s child transgender, gay, bisexual, or asexual. Schools are working to create a safe and inclusive space for those youth who are 2SLGBTQIA+ and to embed into their curriculums the existence of 2SLGBTQIA+ persons as members of our society who are part of our history and future. There are two separate pieces to this issue: sexual education in schools and inclusivity in school teachings.
Sexual Education
Sexual health education in Canada is taught in schools as a component of health. It may vary between provinces, but it usually starts at grade 5 or 6. Ontario has a human development component starting in grade 1 which transitions into sexual health education in grade 5. No one in grade 1 is learning about reproduction, gender identity and safer sex. Information is staged according to age, with content continuing into high school. Parents can exempt their children from learning about bodies, sexuality and gender, reproduction and safe sex practices.
Sexuality is a part of being human, and I can only assume colonial, religious indoctrination is responsible for the lingering fear and confusion around this topic for most parents. I would be lying if I said that I am not also affected by the pervasive cultural stigma around sexuality. But as a healthcare provider and a parent, I know that education on sexuality and health is as vital as teaching our children how to cross the street or practice self-compassion.
Inclusivity
Inclusivity in Canadian school curriculums is achieved through principles developed by SOGI123 and is active in Alberta and British Columbia. SOGI stands for ‘sexual orientation and gender identity, and their approach is threefold:
- Policies and procedures — explicitly referencing SOGI to reduce discrimination, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts for all students.
- Inclusive learning environments — including SOGI-inclusive signage, word choices, and extra-curricular opportunities — to create a positive and welcoming space for all students.
- Teaching resources — lesson plans that teach diversity and respect and include examples of SOGI topics and 2SLGBTQIA+ community members reflect the SOGI diversity in students’ lives and society.
SOGI123 offers resources for parents to understand the goals of this approach. SOGI123 is simply honouring the diversity of humans by “students having conversations about the SOGI diversity in society and the importance of treating everyone with dignity and respect” (SOGI, 2019). No one is trying to make anyone’s child transgender, gay, bisexual or asexual. SOGI123 is trying to make the world a more inclusive and tolerant place, to show students that diversity exists, and to provide teaching within which 2SLGBTQIA+ students learn they belong and are safe.
“SOGI is one of many topics about diversity discussed regularly in schools, such as when educators speak about race, ethnicity, religion, and ability. SOGI-inclusive education simply means speaking about SOGI in a way that ensures every student feels like they belong. There is no “SOGI curriculum.” SOGI is a topic that can be addressed throughout many subjects and school activities. Educators have expressed a need for more SOGI resources and training to ensure all students feel confident being themselves. SOGI 1 2 3 is simply one more way that educators can find the resources they need and learn from each other.” (SOGI, 2019)
If you are not OK with SOGI123’s concepts of diversity and inclusivity in curriculum content, I would suggest possible root causes for your feelings: ignorance of this facet of humanity, inflexibility, intolerance, homophobia or transphobia. There are numerous ways to upgrade and evolve your thinking and help propel the world towards human rights for everyone. I beg you to be curious and kind as you move through your one life on Earth.
III. Care vs. Neglect
The rhetoric around gender-affirming care for kids and youth is horribly misinformed and perpetuates the concern and hate fuelling this crisis. Here are some facts from a pharmacist (me) and a mother (also me) who has participated in this process with my youth.
Surgery is never performed on children. Surgery is rarely undertaken for those between the ages of 16–18. Chest masculinizing surgery could be considered between the ages of 16–18 if the youth's life was at risk in their gender dysphoric state. Even for surgery at ages 18 and beyond, psychiatric assessment must confirm gender dysphoria and that “the experience of gender diversity/incongruence is marked and sustained over time (WPATH, 2022).” Not every transgender person chooses surgery; this is a personal decision not prescribed by the medical community or standards of care.
Hormones are never given to children. Gender-affirming practices and care for children before puberty involve affirming their gender via name, pronoun, clothing and activity choices. It’s that simple.
When a child reaches puberty and their body starts to change (and their brain), gender dysphoria can escalate. Puberty blockers can be used for a few years to press pause on physical changes and processes that would occur. This allows the youth time to experience their body and gender in a more “neutral” state and step further into or away from the process. Puberty blockers are reversible and have been used for decades to treat ‘precocious puberty’ (when puberty starts too early for the health and safety of the child).
Preventing the use of puberty-blocking agents may create life-threatening gender dysphoria or necessitate more complicated surgery in the future. A decision to use puberty-blockers is made with the youth, family and medical team based on the unique circumstances and needs of the youth. The youth directs steps at all phases, not the medical team, and there is a lot of checking in to consider how the youth feels about their gender during this time.
Sometimes, the medical team has to help negotiate time for the family to catch up to the youth’s self-perception and needs. However, this is a collaborative process with supportive parents who understand the very real risks to their adolescent’s health and life if gender dysphoria is ignored. Puberty blockers can be stopped anytime, and the body will revert to its original path. There are no known irreversible effects of puberty blockers.
The choice to move forward with hormone treatment after puberty blockers is unique to each youth and their circumstances. It is not mandatory or prescribed; it is directed by the youth and their unique needs. The youth and family must consent to hormone treatment and are given information on the reversible and irreversible changes that will occur over time. To continue puberty blockers indefinitely is not possible. Delaying puberty damages mental and emotional health as youth are not progressing with their peer group. The timing of gender-affirming hormones involves a delicate balance between the youth’s experience of gender dysphoria, age, current mental health status and risk for self-harm.
Gender-affirming hormones (GAH) are usually initiated between ages 16 and 18, and youth must be on GAH for one year before being eligible for surgery. This path is paved with information and consent, and considerable time and attention is given to the youth's mental and physical health and the family's consent and understanding. Education is a significant component of the work that the multi-disciplinary team must complete.
There are detailed international guidelines for the life-affirming care of transgender and gender-diverse children and youth. Clinics in Canada that provide care to these clients are staffed by endocrinologists, psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists, and specialized nurses. Families usually have to wait too long for assessment and help if puberty has been reached and there are significant gender dysphoria concerns. This increases the rates of self-harm, suicidality, suicide and poor mental health in these youth to 4 to 16 times compared to their cis-gender peers. No one is being rushed through this process; it is sadly the opposite: there are not enough clinics and staff to support the families that need them.
Is this a leap of faith for parents? Sure. It’s a Very Big Deal, with your child’s safety and happiness on the line, possibly their life. If your teenager comes out as transgender, it’s a crazy ride that requires you to look deeply into yourself and your young adult, ask thoughtful questions of the medical team and your youth, and turn towards the experience and advocacy of the transgender community, other parents of transgender youth and the gender complexity existing within Indigenous societies around the globe since time immemorial.
Do some transgender people regret their hormone or surgical decisions? Yes, I’ve read about 1% as an average, which, while not ideal, is a very reasonable rate compared to other life experiences. Analyzing ‘regret‘ in the transgender population is complicated, though, as there are different reasons for regretting a hormonal and/or surgical transition. Sadly, some transgender people at older ages (outside of puberty) may regret their transition as the results are incomplete, and their experience of discrimination, hatred or stigma is intensified.
I hope I’ve clarified some facts and nuances around this issue for you in some small way, and I welcome questions, comments and suggestions. I hope you consider this issue as if it were your own youth who needed love and support: at home, at school, everywhere. Why do 2SLGBTQIA+ youth make up 25–40% of Canada’s youth homeless population yet only 5–10% of the general population? Please pause for a moment in sadness that Canada's highly advanced welfare state has a homeless youth population at all. Parents need to look inward and explore their discomfort about their child being who they are, and not put that shit on their kid. Parents need to be as courageous and self-aware as their youth are showing them to be. I am still trying to live up to that goal, and I’m taking a step further today with this article.
I am thinking of all the marginalized 2SLGBTQIA+ youth in Canadian schools today. I wonder what they have seen and heard. I wonder how they feel about themselves, their school, their city or their country. It’s hard enough to grow up, without the unbearable added burden of being hated for who you are. I hope their allies create a safe place for them. I hope they know they belong. I am overwhelmed by thoughts of the ongoing intolerance and fearmongering that reduces the quality of life, health and safety of the entire 2SLGBTQIA+ community.
If you are reading this and need support, please seek help and practice self-care to the best of your ability. I see you and accept you and will fight for your right to live in safety and freedom. If you are a parent of a 2SLGBTQIA+ youth, I move in allyship with you. Resources are here for information and support.
Generational teaching of hatred perpetuates the inequities of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community — as well as BIPOC, immigrant and refugee communities. Hate affects all facets of health, as well as the ability to secure employment, housing and food, through a myriad of inter-connected factors, including racism, social exclusion and poverty. Experiences of violence and chronic illness are increased, and the ability to live to an expected lifespan may be reduced.
Hatred of minoritized and marginalized people perpetuates a global human rights issue. We all need to call out the -isms and the -phobias and create spaces in our homes and workplaces where bias, discrimination and hatred are not welcome.
There is #NoSpaceForHate in my heart or my country. Thank you for reading.
